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  Sara Paules Therapy
  • Home
  • About
    • Specialties >
      • Mindfulness Therapy
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How to break up with your therapist.

7/20/2020

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In the last blog, I brought up how to tell if your therapist isn’t a good match. This week it’s all about how to break up with your therapist while making sure that you're getting closure. Many clients ghost therapists or leave without a closing session. Termination or goodbye sessions are an amazing way of finding closure, working through what it means to say goodbye (if you’ve ever ghosted someone, you might struggle with saying goodbye), and to move forward with clean energy and honest feedback. 
Here are some thoughts on how to break up with your therapist:

1. Talk to your therapist about how your needs aren't being met (we can handle it).
​You'd be surprised how much therapists really truly want to know what went wrong in a session. We are trained to hear all feedback with open ears and to not let our own defenses show up. Bringing up difficult things to your therapist might even be a teaching tool for you especially if you struggle with conflict avoidance.

2. Ask your therapist what styles of therapy they have been using and if they would recommend a different style of therapy for you moving forward.
It could be that your therapist is just only trained in and using certain modalities that aren't necessarily a good fit for your needs. This is always hard to come to terms with but talking it through with your therapist can help you find a therapist who has training in modalities that might make therapy less challenging and a better fit for you.

3. If your needs still haven't been met, ask to schedule a termination or goodbye session at least one day (ideally one or more weeks) in advance so that they can prepare.
I know it can be hard to come to terms with breaking up with a therapist and feel very uncomfortable. I can't tell you just how important scheduling a break up or termination session is for you and finding a sense of closure and peace. While you might not consciously realize it, our bodies collect all energy from past relationships and have the tendency to feel unsettled until we say goodbye or find closure. If you struggle with saying goodbye, this can be even more difficult and if you feel safe to do so, this could be a good time to process what and why goodbyes are hard.
Therapists need plenty of time to be able to give your goodbye session the closure and consideration it deserves. We simply can't prepare a termination that comes out meaningful without advance warning. Let us know and we can help navigate this important session with and for you in a way that feels meaningful.

4. Therapists are humans who worry about you and your physical safety- please don't ghost us!
Just.. don't. I know, I know... If you've read my blogs you'll see that I've ghosted my therapist in the past. But hear me out. I still hold onto that energy. Several years and huge life changes ago and it still comes up from time to time. Your therapist worries about you even if they aren't a good match. At the very least, you can send them an email stating that you won't be making sessions anymore and that you're physically safe. Then go schedule yourself a new therapy appointment and work through it. Ghosting isn't just rude (therapists can handle rude btw), but it's a window into some clinical information about you. Ghosting is a fear and a way of holding power or control over someone when no harm has been done from the other party. Don't not ghost for us. Do it for yourself and grow from what you learn.

5. Give your therapist feedback. 
What was helpful? What was unhelpful? What will you take with you? Are there any negative memories or bad energy that happened in your sessions? Now is the time to air it out so you don't take it with you when you're done.

6. Engage in a goodbye ritual either in the termination session with your therapist or afterwards on your own.
Here's an example of a closure ritual you can practice on your own: Find a safe, quiet spot in your house and light a candle. Scan your body and observe all of the positive energy, space, and growth you made while in therapy. Fully embody these positive sensations in your body. Next, scan for any negative energy, bad memories or emotions that you don't want to take with you moving forward. Imagine yourself funneling these things into the flame and watching them burn away. When you are done, honor yourself and the investment you made to yourself and your mental health and blow out the candle.

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How to tell somatically if your therapist isn't a good match.

7/20/2020

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Your body is your most important teacher. Sometimes we struggle with knowing cognitively if our therapist is a good match so here’s a list of ways to check in with your body. This list is for clients who have been going to therapy for at least 2-3 sessions but there are ALWAYS grey areas. If you’re feeling some or all of these and have trauma, see if you can bring to mind a safe person and imagine how their presence feels in your body. Ideally, this person should bring a sense of openness, expansion (like you want to lean in), or groundedness. Consider using your awareness of your safe person as a way to compare to your therapist somatically.

Sometimes it can take a while to feel safe with a person. If you know this is you and you need time, keep that in mind here. But if you’ve been going to a few sessions and still feel this way, it might mean you aren’t a good match. Your body might be telling you something important. Somatic expressions of safety and comfort are just as, if not more, important as cognitive measures.

Here's a list of ways you can check in with your body when evaluating whether or not your therapist is a good fit for you:

1. You frequently feel like you dissociate or leave your body in sessions.
If you're giving your therapist feedback about this and it's still happening, you might want to pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you. We escape our bodies when we don't feel safe. If we don't feel safety with someone while also sharing major parts of our lives, we could retraumatize ourselves. 
2. You feel disconnected from your whole self for most or all of the session.
Similar to what was mentioned above. Give feedback to your therapist. It could be that you are picking up on something your therapist is projecting onto you or maybe an old defense or protective part of you is showing up. If you've tried working through this with your therapist to no avail, trust your gut. Therapy is most effective when we feel like we can be ourselves and not hide.
3. Your body feels pulled inward or constricted when you imagine your therapist in front of you.
Again, listen to your body. If your body is constricting most or all of your sessions together, it probably isn't a coincidence. 
4. It takes several days after most or all sessions to get back to feeling grounded or whole.
It's normal to have a therapy "hangover" for about a day, sometimes two when we first start therapy or when we've had a big session. What's not normal is when we feel this way after all of our sessions or if the hangover lasts for multiple days, causing other parts of our life to become disrupted. It could be that your therapist needs to give you some time at the end of each session to ground before leaving. Bring this up at your next session but if things don't improve, you might want to search for someone who can move at a slower pace.
5. You don't feel a sense of relaxation, expansion or forward movement either in your sessions or afterwards.
Therapy is hard work but we do it because of the reward at the end. If you're not noticing any positive sensations in your body or never feel a sense of relaxation or expansion either in or after your sessions, pay attention and give feedback to your therapist. You should feel some sense of relief or expansion in your body when you're working with a therapist who is a good fit.
6. Imagining your therapist in front of you doesn't bring a sense of warmth or openness in your body.
This one is self-explanatory but goes without saying. If you try this out, notice what your body wants to do without judgment. Pay attention to the wisdom your body has to offer.

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6 Reasons Why You Might Keep Dating The Wrong Person (for women)

4/15/2020

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One of the most common reasons clients start therapy is out of a fear that they keep dating the wrong person. Most of these women are highly intelligent, have supportive friends, jobs and in all other aspects of their life, are doing great... but the closer they near 30... then 35... then 40, failed relationship after failed relationship, the more the thoughts begin to swirl. "Is there something wrong with me?", "Am I attracting the wrong kind of person?", "Should I just give up on love?"

Let's set the record straight off the bat. No, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not broken. I know I probably don't know you but even so, it's the truth. We all have what's called an attachment style and it is heavily based off of the relationships we had to our caregivers and/or traumatic relationships and experiences that happened during our development. While these things determine how we love and who we are attracted to, it doesn't mean you are broken or unable to have a happy, healthy relationship (if that's what you want). While there's no way I could actually cover all of these concerns directly without having met you in a therapy setting, I've made a list of questions to consider if you feel like diving in to understanding yourself in relationships.
  1. Do you fear being alone? As women, we are primed from birth to have a wedding and have babies in order to "live happily ever after". When your friends slowly all start getting married and/or having kids, the internal pressure to get married can become palpable. One thing to check in with yourself about is how you define being single. Was being single frowned upon growing up either from peers, media or family? Was being married highly valued? When you approach relationships scared and anxious about getting married or avoiding being single, you stop thinking about what you have to offer and more about why they might not want to get married. Notice what sensations in your body come up when you sit down with your thoughts about being alone. If they feel uncomfortable, consider getting curious. If this exercise feels too intense or you need help, recruit the help of a therapist skilled in relationships or somatic-oriented therapy.
  2.  Do you gravitate towards partners with the same types of issues because it feels familiar? We are attracted to people who more or less "complete" the parts of us that we struggle with. So if you're very high on the emotionally driven scale, you might have a tendency to date individuals who are much lower on that scale, perhaps even emotionally unavailable or distanced. This is what is often described as a "familiar" feeling or like you've already known them before you even met. Let's say you haven't really spent much time noticing your insecurities prior to dating... You might be much less likely to notice the parts of you that have unmet needs that seek out that need in a partner. We all have our own unmet needs that attract us to a particular person who can fulfill that need. The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is that in a healthy relationship, both individuals are self-aware enough of their own insecurities and defenses, allowing them to put down the armor and learn from their partner during times of conflict.
  3. ​Is commitment or intimacy scary? If you keep dating emotionally unavailable partners or maybe keep struggling to find "the one" in mostly great partners, consider your relationship to intimacy and  commitment. Do you find more comfort in relationships that are kept at a distance? What does it feel like when partners ask more of you or want to get to know you on a deeper level?  Now in this case, I'm strictly speaking to monogamous individuals and relationships, not necessarily someone who identifies as polyamorous or non-monogamous. There are many different reasons for fearing intimacy or commitment but research clearly shows that the amount of love you are able to receive is directly related to the amount of love you were given by your primary caregiver growing up. More on that topic later but if you're interested, check out some books on attachment theory. "Attached" by Amir Levine is a great beginners guide and the website includes lots of free resources, including a quiz to help you identify your attachment style. "Wired for Dating" and "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin are also amazing reads on the subject.
  4. How's your self-worth? Maybe you've internalized the message that you aren't worthy of love or happiness. If we don't name the issue, we can't tame it. If we don't name who or what experience(s) shaped this message of unworthiness that we tell ourselves, it has power over us. Naming and talking through negative core messages with a professional gives us our power back. These beliefs about ourselves can be so hard wired in our system that we almost don't even think about what we offer a potential partner, thinking only about whether this person will even want to be around us. Hard wired negative core beliefs such as these take time and patience to confront... and often a therapist who can be like a mirror to help you find the negative core beliefs that are no longer serving you or keeping you stuck.
  5. Do you know what your values are? Considering values when dating gives you a sense of direction. When you know what you want and prioritize yourself and your values, you're less likely to waste time with someone who never wants kids when you know for a fact that having a family is one of your most important values. Sometimes though, we can be aware of what our values are but still date someone who is an obvious poor match with them. Conforming your values to the person you're dating because they seem like a good match in all other ways might meet a short-term need but rejecting or not placing your values high enough when dating will only end up biting you in the rear-end later.
  6. Have you ever experienced a boundary violation, relationship or sexual trauma, or been in a relationship (partner or caregiver) that was abusive or with someone who abused substances? If you've experienced any of the above situations, chances are that you are carrying or have carried a lot of pain. Trauma alters the way we view the world and oftentimes the protector parts of us will run the show, abandoning our shadow and child parts of ourselves. It's important that we are able to give our shadow and child parts a compassionate voice... but sometimes it can be too painful. Trauma therapists can help you to build the safety that these parts need in order for us to be fully integrated and whole. In other words, it's important that we befriend our shadow or rejected parts if we want to find acceptance and love of ourselves and in a relationship.
Before I end this blog, please note that there are many things to consider here and this is not an exclusive list by any means. Trauma, culture, family values, experiences growing up, past relationship history to name a few should also be considered when exploring relationship history and patterns. As always, feel free to reach out with any questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment so you can better understand your relationship style.

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  • Home
  • About
    • Specialties >
      • Mindfulness Therapy
      • Trauma/EMDR Therapy
      • Self-Worth Therapy
      • Depression Therapy
    • FAQ's
  • Policies & Fees
  • Online Scheduling
  • Contact
  • Blog